Masking and Manners

Mental health advocacy can go too far, so it seems

I grew up unaware of my neurodivergence, being both female and a Gen Xer, which means I developed good enough masking skills to “pass” as neurotypical. (A sort of weird, only one or two close friends kind of neurotypical. I think we basically just called those types Band Kids, which wasn’t inaccurate.) Anyway, in my generation, you were definitely accused of being dramatic for having a problem with things like:

• noisy, chaotic environments

• hugs

• small talk

• busy work

• white to blue light (don’t even talk to me about fluorescent, overhead lights)

• tight/rough clothing

• other people eating audibly

• perfume/cologne

To avoid the negative interaction of objecting to the problematic thing, I learned to white knuckle my way through. Not the best mechanism, but it’s possible for the pendulum to swing too far the opposite way.

Nowadays, there’s a lot more discussion about neurodivergent wiring and how it’s not unusual for people on the spectrum to struggle with many different sensory issues or “socially accepted” activities. Don’t get me wrong; I’m very glad awareness has increased in recent years. But along with awareness, there has arisen an entitlement—an expectation in certain subgroups that nobody should ever have to feel uncomfortable, that all should be accommodated. I see this a lot in the world of people with food sensitivities and allergies too.

But just because someone struggles with certain everyday stimuli doesn’t mean that overrides the need for decent manners. No, I don’t care for hugs, but if someone who is not at all being creepy* wants to greet me that way or say goodbye with a quick embrace, I can just accommodate them for that brief moment. Do we all have to insist our dislikes never be challenged by average social behaviors? Isn’t it better for me to feel weird for a couple seconds instead of making a thing about it so I can transfer my feelings of awkwardness onto somebody else? This is a “me” problem.

I think we can save the requests of behavior modification for people we encounter all the time. Once I have a relationship with somebody, we can work out that I’m not a hugger, or I have pretty narrow limits on time I spend in groups. But otherwise, it’s on me to manage my own needs. Anything a stranger does to make space for my difficulties is a bonus, not a given.

I seriously hope we are leaving behind the age of over-inflated “Me-ism.” I see signs in my Gen Z kids that they’re not putting up with whining demands that have pervaded the social media landscape since it took shape a couple decades ago. Kindness and reasonable adjustments are excellent, but overall, some thicker skin is a useful asset for all of us. Self-awareness goes a long way in making sure those of us who can’t always go to the flow have strategies to stay well. But it’s not the job of the general public to provide quiet, properly-lit, socially distanced, aroma free, zero dress code spaces because some of us do better in them.

I hope we’re able to progress to a world where people work harder at seeing to other’s needs than being seen, and where we can all be realistic that sometimes, we just need to be polite and have a plan to recover later.

Drew this little comic back in 2019, but it definitely addresses the weight of masking, whether through depression or autism (or both.)

*Please note, I am not at all advocating for children or adults to engage in behavior that makes them feel unsafe. Absolutely let your kid abstain from hugs or kisses from relatives or friends. We absolutely should use good judgment for ourselves and our kids.